33. Exorcist

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It took me time to understand what I can say and what I can add here. I still do not know why He chose me. I do not understand that choice. I see now that I have almost nothing to say. Nothing that may be important to anyone I know. Nothing that can be comparable with what others did for you. I have no idea why it is I. 

I know that nothing I can make up that will affect you or anyone else and why should I do that anyway? Is it something that anyone must do? Do you want everyone around you to change your life? May be it is not my purpose to make anything new, why not? This is not bad at all. As far as I remember myself, I was always like everyone else. I was always like that. So, how can I make something else, something new?

All my life I was always comparing myself to everyone around me, so as to remain just like everyone else. May be I had a few things to say, but these things that have always been in my head and no one was interested in them. None one understood me even when I talked. As you may guess my life is quite simple and the things that still bother me are simple as is my life. I do not see how the questions I still have can be any different from anyone else and how they can make any difference to you. Listen, what I can say after a few decades of making no sense to anyone else, not to people I am trying to keep close to me, not even to myself?

I think I was born with this curse to kill everything that has sense. I found that about my “special” feature of killing the sense over time, year-by-year. Like everyone, at certain moment I started to understand what is important and what is not and I consistently tested what was still important, and I did that all of the time to show that nothing has sense, that everything is senseless. That is what I do with my life and with myself all the time, I am killing the sense. That is why I am virtually alone. If someone has an idea or emotion or internal drive, a spark of something, or anything that makes sense to him or to the others, then, I have to destroy that. I have to make his sense unimportant, make it useless. I have that strong urge to show that nothing has sense. I am sure He knew that that and I do not understand why He thinks that I can do something new for you?

Yes, finally, I decided to write here. It took me three steps to find what I can write and what I can do for you.


Three thoughts


First, I started thinking – what is still bothering me and can I use it as a force to write? I guess it is the only way I can put on paper something that may have sense. Is it either good or bad I cannot decide, but if I go deep enough in my own problem, into my own questions, to the level where it is just the same for everyone, then, that may have some sense. Don’t you think so? The problem is that I do not know where that deep level is and how deep? It’s supposed to be somewhere where it will be just the same for everyone, but what is it? Everything? I was actually thinking about this since I was a kid, of about 7-9 years old. I called that absolute thing which is just the same for everyone – “It”. I do not know why “It”. If you do not like this name, you can change it, but it doesn’t really matter what kind of name “It” has. That absolute thing is supposed to be the same for everyone and it is supposed to be clear to everyone. I think we all have this thing “It” somewhere very deep inside.

Second, I decided to complete a line of thoughts I had from my childhood, from that time when I was about 7-9 years old and found about “It” until now and to write this line down for you. I found a few reasons for that. First of all, it is a good chance for me to complete that line, since these thoughts were always with me and I was always thinking about them. Another reason, that I was never been able to write these thoughts down or even to think them clearly through until an end. Never! I am not even sure that it is possible to find the end in these thoughts. That is what I would like to do here, to find that end of this thought. Finally, I think it just might be interesting to someone like you.

Third, I believe that any random person has at least one important thought in his life. That can be a pretty simple thought, but comparable to his whole life. One could think how to improve a cow’s feeding system and this thought could progress on over years or during his whole life step by step, and that would be finally a most important thought that would incorporate all his knowledge and interests. When I was a kid I spent many hours looking at the cow’s feeding system on a local farm where I was working during summers. I had many thoughts about it, thoughts how to make it work faster and longer and how to make it more convenient for both the cows and men. These thoughts did not become the main thoughts of my life, because later I had others things to think about, and so on. Since that time I changed many of my thoughts but there is only one that is still with me and I think that is the most important thought of my life. Perhaps it is not really important what is the main thought is. We all have such thoughts and some of them are important for the others, some not, but still, I have one thought that I think is mine. All other thoughts did not stay with me for that long. I do not know if this is an important thought or not, but I think, I finally found a way to say something about “It” and that is the thing that I want to complete and if I have a chance to complete it here, then why not? After all, I do not think I have anything else to say anyway.

Before I start to talk about ”It”, I want to say a little about my life and about three people who changed it. A long time ago my grandparents emigrated from the China and came to this country for a better life like many others. They had luck to utilize their skills in agriculture, just like they did it before they came here. It was not easy work not for them not for their kids, my parents, not for me. My grandpa and grandma and later my parents moved a lot to find a better place to do what they could do well. I’m not sure if that worked out for others, but it definitely did not work out well for our family. We were stuck in a place that I hope I will never see again. During the first years of my life I have a strange memories of recognizing myself in a place that I still like and hate almost equally. It is in the place where I met them, three people who changed my life.


Three people


As I already said my life was always simple but even in such a simple life I met three important people that made me think different. It was a long time ago before my parents moved to Idaho. We used to live on a small farm near a town. A town was so small that now I can hardly call it a village. There I met them, these who made me think.

First one was a local pastor, our local authority who knew how to talk to people about something other than corn and meat. Now I know how that could be difficult, but at that time for me as a kid he was just a dude in different, but still pretty dirty clothes. My parents loved when he was moralizing about the importance of our lives. I still remember how he was looking at me with his almost ready to cry red swollen eyes, extending one of his hands toward me and another one to the can of wine that my mom just get from a storage place, and saying: “If this simple little life is not important, then, what else is important in this life?” Unfortunately, his philosophical abilities were deeply suppressed by orthodox dogmas and especially by his power to produce “positive fear” using these dogmas. Except that he was just like everyone else, just a regular dude fighting for his freedom with his wife and dragging his forgotten past to prove his rights on his future. Being a kid I hardly understood what he was talking about but I clearly saw the difference between his words and the words of the others and those words changed me a lot and changed my knowledge about the world around me.

The second one who changed my life was ‘Mad Matt’. Matt was a hippie at heart, a Buddhist in his mind and a robber in the strange reality of his life. He came to our place hiding from police. He said that they almost caught him in a town before he appeared in our place. He explained to me that the only thing he could do now is to stay calm for a few moths in a place like ours. That is just what he did and it was his luck that no one asked him why he worked just for food in place like this. This was OK for everyone and as my dad said “What else you would expect from a hippie like Matt?”

Matt was the first one who introduced me to the Mary Jane. He brought a big tight bag with him and from time-to-time we smoked day and night and talked about life. He was also the first one who introduced me to the Buddha and his thoughts. I still do not know if Matt knew exactly what the Buddha was saying, but I used to believe at that time that whatever Matt told me was pronounced once by Buddha. What Matt was saying was quite different from what our priest tolled. In Matt’s words there were no dogmas but only freedom, there was no “positive fear” but only happiness, yes and Mary Jane!

The third person who changed my life was my wife Marry Sizerstain. I do not think I can add anything to that. That accident terminated all my previous thoughts and gave me only one new thought and that thought made me what I am now.




Did I mention to you why I chose the nickname “Exorcist”? I said that I am killing the sense but not only that. The problem is that whatever I do in my life it is like an act of exorcism. I always have to push the demons out of my mind. What kind demons? I do not know, I guess all types of demons. How many of them do each of us has? It depends but they are all sitting inside of our head.

Everything that I will tell you about “It” is an act of exorcism. That is what I always do and I cannot change this pattern. Just like when you go to the local gym, when you have to get your force out, or when you are having another cigarette or even something stronger. It doesn’t matter, what you do, you are doing something to push the excess of your force out. Same thing with me, I push these lines out of my head to feel better. I found that this provides me a great relief while preparing this text. I decided to write just a few sentences every week, so finally, I was able to put it in a simple way, the few things that were stuck in my head.

Every week after I pushed out a little piece with just a few lines, I felt much like after a good bowel movement in the morning. It was much easy to walk and to think after that. It was so enlightening when I finally got it out in a one solid piece that you have in front of you. I do not think I would be able to complete it in any other way. Some pieces I had to dig up from very deep, some other pieces were on the surface. Now they all here in one piece and I feel good about it. It’s a nice piece, big, solid, and complete. I feel alive again! I feel like I can once again walk and breathe.

You may want to ask about Him and his sneaky voice that was around for a while. I have no idea who He is. Honestly, no idea! I guess I am the only one who had no chance to talk to Him, so how would I know? You met Him here and the other demons that had disappeared, they met Him too. I only saw the text and an invitation to the chat. Well, I saw these demons in His chat, but He was not there.

I did not see Him inside of myself like you, but some how He has happened when I started to put these lines down out of my head! I do not know what He told you, but I found that His words have many meanings and that he is not that bad at all. I do not know where He is, nor where you are, but I feel that He may help you to think clearly. There are many ways to think or to do things and some of them right and some wrong, but definitely the most desirable way is not a right or wrong way but a clear way. I have feeling that He can help to follow that clear way.

Everything that can be pronounced can be pronounced clearly. Everything that cannot be pronounced doesn’t need to be pronounced. I think that He knows how to separate the first one from the second one and that is the only thing that I feel strong about Him. Like I said I do not know who you are and who He is and who is where. I do not even think that it matters anymore. For me, you all are just demons in my mind that I have to get rid off. You have to decide what to do with “It”, but I hope that what I did here for you will help you to disappear from my life. If you will disappear after “It” that will mean to me that you got what you needed because, personally, I need only one thing.

I need to get U out of my mind!

Here is my story