13. EGO

Hi, it’s is me again and I think we’ve got that feeling! At least I have it now and I have something new for you today! What you’ll see next is a script. Script of the thoughts of another reader who is awaiting a new story right now, just like you. Although, his thoughts were addressed to me. this script represent primarily his own vision, vision of the author who can be considered being pretty successful in your society. I want you to read it. I asked him if I could show it to you and he said that he doesn’t care. Actually right before saying that he said something else, but that meant pretty much the same. He is a little bit different from you but you share many similar features and I hope this script will show you some other sides of your nature. I need you to distend your mental box, a little bit, so you will be ready for the things I have ready for you. Read it. Today he will be your mirror instead of me.

Have fun and see you next time!

  

Thought-typewriter, record 402215643S-1XXX

October XX, 20XX

Malaga Cove, CA

Well, lets virtually agree on the fact that these every week stories are not devoted to explain something that can be explained but are designed to facilitate a response in my mind that will be my own unique response. This is not going to be a new definition that I can come with as the result of answering a series of questions, nor is a rule I will accept after doing a series of experiments, but it is a constellation of sparks of my personal thoughts that may not make sense to most other people but mean something special to me, something else that I do not have. Something bigger. Something that I want!

I think I got that, whatever I am reading here, this will not give me anything new that I do not already know. I guess I can accept it. It is the normal things in my life and I have pretty much such things every day. The same amount of ‘stuff’ that is always around me, and its circulation is what makes my life. I am OK with that. I live that way. I am OK with the fact that nothing is new, but I still need someone sometimes to remind me that “Red” is red, that “Right” is right, to maintain a stable background for my life. I mean I know what “Red” is and I know what  “Right” is but if I do not know that others have similar ideas about “Red” and “Right”, I must question even very basic things. Yes that is the “feedback” this writing has been talking about.

I can assume we all can live without feedback from the others. Well, for a while, but after a while? I do not know about you, but I have a lot of trouble trying to convince myself that “Red” and “Right” exist at all after being alone for a while, completely alone, like I was during the last two weeks. Even that short time away from the circle of people makes me think that the red light and the circulation of the cars at the intersection in a front of me right now is something entirely artificial which cannot be real.

Right now I feel that part of me is trying to decide when exactly I am supposed to press the pedal to move my car ahead and I am still not completely sure if all this is real. That sounds sick but I know it is common to everyone. That is not a “shared delusional disorder” either. No, because I live alone and there is no one to share my delusion with and no one to get this illusion from. Yes, I have an excuse, I have been away from civilization and now I can see many things with new eyes. That is a feature of conciseness but it is nothing compare with feedback from other people. That is right, I cannot stay outside of them, I need them.

I like to be surrounded by people and specifically by people who by definition agree that “bullshit is better then gun shot”, although we all have been in a mixed environment especially when we were growing up. In environment where “grey areas” enforced us to find clear definitions for even very simple things, I am simply referring to good or bad things. That time was fun and a pretty important to learn how such things work but that time gone. Now I am here.

The damnedest thing is that I need this crazy environment and I hate it! It surrounds me and I must deal with it everyday. You probably have no idea about my environment. It is really something! I’ll tell you.

I escaped for a while but I had to come back and, where I live and work, we maintain a feeling that everything is a “piece of cake” and everything is possible, you just need to want it and apply yourself to get it fast! Then, even after you get it, you need to get something else that will make even more sense! Now listen! After that, when you consistently provide more and more new exciting things that have more and more sense, the fact that you always can get something else, something new, lead them to the next highly logical idea, brilliant idea! Now you must deliver something that can impress even those who know that you can get everything. Nobody can impress them anymore, they know that everything is possible, but you have to show them something else, something that even they do not expect!

Yes, I can do it. That is why I am here and I am doing it everyday. Then what? After that they do not know what to do with me! They have no idea what to do with me afterward! They really like what I am doing for them and they need it! More and more every day but now they do not know what to do with me. Do you understand? They do not have fun anymore! They have everything and they can get everything, well, almost everything. All of them! All these old and young bitches have everything and they have no idea what they want! Me either.

I know, it is how we organize our highly productive and pleasurable society to pull most of the possible and impossible things from such people like me who in the “old bitches language” kind of “…can do many things but do not know where he is going because of insufficient life experience”. In fact, I do everything for them who have no idea what to do, nor how feel better with their useless rich lives.

That is how we are building our highly potential and highly damned demanding personal relationships, where our potential for stable life is 50/50 as our divorce rate. We dry each other in 3-5 years and fall after that into a classical cocktail “30+” with 30% of hedonism, 30% of nihilism, and 40% of alcohol.

Listen, can you send all your stories to these bitches? To make them feel better? Really, I am OK, I am doing good, I just want them to feel better, so that I will not see every morning in the office and every night in the bedroom the same grimace “Give me MORE… I just do not know what…”.

Of course, young men and young women are getting old and they need to get something while they are young. Of course, old men and old ladies are already old and will die pretty soon, so they want to see what is still possible in their lives. Of course, they do whatever they can to make sense of it all, a Big Sense that makes an impact, and of course they know much better than I what ‘impact’ is and what I have to do to make that damned ‘impact’ for them.

Hey you, do you know them, these bitches that I am talking about? They are stupid and primitive bitches, young and old they all have the same nature! Sorry, I love them all, but that is who they are and they know who I am and they tell me that every day. So, what, do I suppose to pretend that I do not know who they are?

However, you’re right I do not see my life without them. I also do not see my life without my internal drive that I am trying to understand. The drive that, I guess, we do not understand even at the end of our life, but seems like we are getting there, closer and closer, every year that we get older.

Damn all of them! Let’s not think about these bitches anymore. Let’s talk about drive. So, they do not know what they want but what the hell do I want in my life? What is that something else that I never had and I badly need? Feeling myself surrounded with the most pleasurable things is of course something I have always wanted, but I have had it and I have it now, and I may have it more and more whenever I want it. That will not change anything. I already know that. You are saying that all these things just a feedback I am receiving and this gives me exactly what it gives and nothing else. I guess that is exactly what is going on. To feel good I need excellent feedback, a perfect sensory input!

Well, let say a good blowjob right now with optimal visual input from the perfect body, perhaps some music for background, and all what is supposed to follow that. You would call that “optimal sensory input” wouldn’t you? It is not a bad thing to feel damn good! Even it can’t help in long run, I think about it everyday, as most people do. I clearly remember how I was physically addicted to this continual stimulation, just like many others do. All my thoughts at that time had been devoted to get more and more “pleasurable sensory input”, more and more pleasure. Each following day of my life I thought about how to get it and get it again, and of course I need it now as well. What can I do with it? Nothing, it is me! I just do not want to fall in that sensual hole forever like a white rabbit. There is something else! That is what you are talking about, yes?

Of course, that was an extreme and we need to know extremes in order to find a balance, but how many things do we want in that balance? How many people do we need in our circle and how many impossible things we have to do every day to maintain the perfect balance? Don’t you think that all these bitches do not want to get the same “extreme balance” from me? Of course they do!

Hey, I know what I want to ask you! Did you ever have the “Best day” in your damned life? I mean the “Optimal day that a man or woman could imagine”? Do you know what that means? Someone actually already described such day. For man it includes 12 hours of sex with different partners, 4 hours of active sport, 30 min of intellectual talks, and all in the most exotic places of the planet, and finally, at the end of the day, 15 min of extremely productive work that turns this planet on its ass. I had such day! I do not want to go into all details but you can reconstruct it easily. I have had it several times but only the first day was memorable.

Actually, I remember where I got this “Best day” definition. It was in one of the magazines I found on a rented jet I used during those days. I was actually thinking about how everything well tuned up and the things you want to get give you an explanation on how they work and how it is supposes to be! There is a kind of a grid that appears when you want something very badly! Those days were damn good and I know how to get them again if I want but I do not need it. At least now I have another plan.

I believe that it will not be a bad life if I keep that style for a few years, but I need to find the next step from one “extreme” to another, so altogether these extremes will give me a plateau, background, and balance to do something else, something new and important.

Well, even after those days when mountain skies and deep sea diving were interrupted by highly intensive physical and intellectual relationships, somewhere in between those very intensive tasks I found myself being extremely productive typing some stuff that indeed had a big impact on what I had been doing for years up to that point of my life.

That was a great experience but that did not work that well the second time, it was even worse and so were my third and fourth attempts. I do not know if you ever had such moments, may be it works for you pretty well everyday, but not for me. Although, I would not mind repeating it again and again

How I can explain that? I guess a demand that was placed on us from the society of bitches pushes us to our extremes that apparently we still do not know or do not realize or may be still testing. When we know what is extreme is, when we know our limits, we do not want to maintain the extreme life forever, simply because it is extreme. Plus, now I know that I have to push others because I already know how that works and I want to see what else may happen. Yes, I want something else just like these stupid lazy old bitches. I guess, I understand them and I can’t blame them, and you know what, like one of them said to me “Everyone knows everything but only some people know more than others”. I guess that is pretty clear and right to the bull eye.

Anyway, it is not going to get any better anytime soon not for me, not for others. People are getting older and they want to control other people. Money has value only as a control tool when you are old. Finally it is not even a tool, because money and people are equal. A tool is what makes control without money but for money. More people are controlling other people. The fight is shifting to the later stages of our lives. That is an entirely new game and nobody knows how to play this game yet but we all will learn or will make new rules. Some will do it faster some slower. So maybe that is what I want? Control over all of them, just like they have right now over me?

Of course I want to have my “Best day” all the time but I would not feel productive with it anymore, because there are more people who put all if not more than all of their effort into their productivity and their desire to control others. Yes, I remember just a few years ago I thought that if it would be more busy men around, there would be more women freely available. That is bullshit, it is not about who is free but about what you want. Plus now I know that more people both men and women choose to stay with their own thoughts, to put their own ideas ahead instead of playing this game. Me too. I decided to follow my way and so far it is working well, at least working for me.

So, you see, I really do not know what you can give to me. I have pretty much everything I need and I know how to get everything else. I pretty much know what to do next and I even know what I’ll be doing after that. This works pretty damn good for me and I do not know what I can get from you being here in my head. I do not see you as a valuable part of me. Of course, if you can tell me something new, something that I still want but I do not know what that would be, then may be it will help. I know I sound like a lazy useless bitch but do not forget, soon I am going be one of them! Unless you can suggest an alternative, can you?

That sounds like a pretty damned good deal! Can you give me an alternative to what I just said? Can you give me a desirable and exciting alternative that I would like to follow instead of following my present life? If you can do that, it would be big! Then we can talk!

Then I can consider you as alive in my mind forever!

Lets make this deal!

 

Sorry my friend, it is me again! I really forgot to ask you one little thing and I did not want to interrupt you, while you are reading. Can I share your current thoughts with another reader that is very similar to you? OK, thanks! Talk to you soon!

NEXT U-STORY: ‘D@G’