10. æ
… square …
Monolog
in the length of one cigarette
involved from a pack of many struggles with the internal drowsiness, the never-ending excitement that just a few minutes ago nicely shaped out the perception and helped the flow into the any shape, unpredictable consistency of forms, artificial conditions, and even in uninteresting souls. Now it not allows to look into the closest staring eyes nor to touch of even the common familiar things scattered around the room. Drowsiness like a fine fret on the surface of water in the glass of tea, on a table in a moving train, where the rhythmic stirrings of a teaspoon coat the amber surface in graceful ripples, but hangover’s tremor spills the tea leaving bewildered and dry the mouth and soul. Now emptiness, nervous as a thousand needles and dry as a shadow, not letting eyes hold on any little thing, moving them further and further, it rejects any suspicious and irritating being, like a dying bird outside of the window, it leaves a drying dying feeling inside and an obsolete ordinary body behind your back, a body of a torn book on a floor, and a lighter on a table that has initiated this thought, and that needs to be stopped! You want to tear yourself away and disappear from here, but someone amazes you once again with the simplicity of reality framed in unsophisticated logic chains of a predictable impression of harmony and wild blind desire. A new pair of eyes is starting a new synthesis of just born reality by recounting the thousand times a glance from the structure of leaf the unrepeatable asymmetry of a trees branches and the harmony of a surviving birds dance. Such a simple dance such a bright and colorful dance, but simple, obvious, primitive, and much too negligible to be unvanquished! An emotional blizzard hurls you into the deepness of the shapes and conditions that you were looking at a minute ago and it asks schizophrenically for a sense and for the deepness from where you have never been before, but where you became someone for an extremely short but infinite moment. Again, unsureness in the past hits your chest, a moment ago that strike had a harmony with everything including the rhythm of your heart and by itself looked for harmony with any single thing and with that went to the idealistic nausea of the deepness of shapes inside itself, unintentionally sending everything else the same direction indicated by an outstretched finger, and the unleashed energy hitting the empty soul, and from the pack falls the following cigarette extending the scarce time that has no sense here …
… nothing …
Dialogue
in the length of the years
– Did you really, then, at that time … ?
– Yes I did and you know that.
– Then why did you do nothing to save … ?
– Why should I do anything for that?
– You needed it! You did, isn’t that so?
– Well, I did. In fact I really did, but it was not the first time and I knew that whenever I did something to save it, everything that I did always killed it. I was afraid that it will happen again. I wanted it to stay alive.
– What do you mean?
– … yes, even the smallest thing always killed … but at that time it was not as painful as it was before when I did whatever I could to save it. I remember before it was dying in pain each time and I was dying with it.
– I am not sure what you are saying. I remember, I wanted to do everything I could to save it. I really wanted to. I think I did as much as I could.
– I know you did, but I did it as well. I did it many times before you and it did not work. Not for me not for anyone else. You’re the only one for whom I did nothing to save it and you are the only one whom I still …
– You? After all that time and everything that came after? I am sure you know what had happened to me.
– Then and now.
– So …, so what we are going to do now when I, when we both know that?
– Nothing.
– Nothing?
– Yes nothing. That thing that you never wanted to call with its real name has too much of everything. It has almost everything indeed and it is the only place where one can live doing nothing. All people can live there doing completely nothing, and we did it as well, you and I. Don’t you remember?
– Yes, yes, many things happened before and many things passed away after and these were the things I did. Many things that had to be done. You are right, with you it was nothing to do and nothing that could be done. In fact nothing has happened out of what we had! So, do you want do nothing?
– Completely nothing. Otherwise, something will happen. It just takes a moment to change something and, … you do not know what may happen. That moment has too much of everything!
– Your right, of course! When you change something you always change that mechanism you are always talking about. Universal mechanisms of making nothing out of nothing and, of course, you will kill everything that you potentially can make. Hey, do you hear me? Do you understand how much you could do during all those years if you would at least do something? Look at you, man!
– Yes, definitely it will kill…
– O man! You were right, man kills everything he …
– Kills but not on a purpose. You simply initiate this mechanism when you are doing something. Whatever you do…
– I’m recollecting you now! You may say next: “… and everything else will happen because of your action but without you”. That is what you want to say?
– You still may understand me well, just as you did at that time.
– You know how to make me laugh! Do you think we will be able do nothing. Do you think we can … do nothing?
– Why not? We are living that way already for many years, we are living this way all this time.
– You want to say that because of that we are still …?
– You still can understand me.
– Of course I know you, but you know me too, I need to dig it up in … I can’t stay still!
– I like that as well too and not only dig in …
– You know you will have a hard time to find something new inside of me.
– Well, inside of me also there is not so much left and actually nothing special that you can dig up in there now.
– I see. I think I’m getting that. Then we will change nothing?
– Nothing.
– And we will save …
– We will save.
– Doing nothing?
– May be that is the only thing that I still can save in my life.
– I also cannot come with anything else.
– Nothing!
– Nothing.
… done …
Poem
with no length …
It’s very simple to believe
It’s very simple to recall
It’s very simple to forgive
It’s very simple to let go
No one is looking an open spot
No one desires an empty nest
No one believes
And you forgot
How long you stay and what do next
Of course you are a man
Of course you are sick
Of course you are a crazy fuckingnny freak
Of course you are young like everyone
Of course just little bit behind
You have most things you ever thought
You have a most beautiful escort
You have a most stable place to stay
You have the most ambitious way
You have so many things behind
You have more then anyone could desire
You have that no one ever even thought!
You have, still have…
But slowed are your thoughts
You know you stay behind the truth
You know the past
You throw it too
You know it’s me, you know it’s you
You know, you know…
But what do you do?
You stay I’ll go, I’ll stay you’ll do
And nothing through
And nothing true
We stayed so long
And broke it too
No one believes
No one recalls
No one forgives
No one lets go
NEXT U-STORY: ‘Three ωitches’