RELATED PROJECT: ‘MIRROR’
I am here. Tighten up so I can’t move even my little finger. They are keeping me this way for a long time and they had a reason for that. Now they don’t but they do not know about it and still keeping me this way. I will not hurt anyone anymore. Not even myself. It is done! My internal force has found a way out. I exist in a new way now and I am not sure if that can be even called existence but that is what I am doing. It is hard to explain. Let say I am “out of picture”. I am kind everywhere now and even people who come into this room, they may say that it is me lying here on this bad and everything else around, these walls, door, locked cabinet is everything else, is not me. That is wrong, it is also me.
What was before I became who I am? Before that I was also here. Like I said I am here for a long time, but at that time I was here for purpose, their purpose and my purpose. Their purpose was to keep me here not alive and not dead. My purpose here I did not know at that time. In fact I did not want to be here and I did not want to be anywhere else as well because of my mind. My mind was doing strange things to me at that moment and the last thing he decided to do was to eat my eyes.
He did it in fact and it was painful. I am not sure if I have experienced anything similar before. My brain simply started to suck my eyes inside and slowly chew them. I tried to pull my eyes out. I kept my fingers deep inside in my eyeholes to keep eyes out of him. It was a long battle. I lost most of the skin covering my eyes to keep them before they fixed me. I had to hold my eyes out of my brain. I had to hold them tight so I can still see the things, although, I already knew that these things are not real. Still, I was trying to protect them. I did not know that it was wrong to protect these unreal things as well as my inborn ability to recognize them. Wrong like many other things I did before. Wrong things that moved me into the right direction.
When they found me with eyes in my hands, they fixed my arms, my legs, my head to this bed and since that time I am here in this position. Now I know that I was not able to change this curse, this direction of my being, my change, and my transformations. That was written somewhere else, so I was not able to change it at all. I had my curse just like everyone else and my curse brought me into this cage to make me free.
After they fixed me up I was not able to hold my eyes anymore and he ate them. Both eyes. He did it the way it supposed to be, to make me who I am now, to drop me inside of my infinity that in fact is everywhere. To make it clear to you, I can say that actually there is no “Everywhere”. “Everywhere” and “Everything” is only me. Now I know that. There is no “Everything else” as well. There is only me and my mind, who ate my eyes, decided that it is going to be the fastest way for me, even before I was able to recognize it.
What was before that, before my mind decided to eat my eyes? Before that they put me here in this room. They were afraid of me because I was trying to release the reality, reality that at that time was outside of my eyes and I was able to see it. I was trying to eliminate all these unnecessary things that were only a decoration for my life. They called them “real things”. That was a time for me to find out a real world behind these fake decorations. My goal was quite simple. Everything that was around me supposed to be eliminated or destroyed as an only option to find a way out of here, out of the box of our routine existence, out of the cage of fake life.
How I did it? That was a long way. The last thing that finally brought me here in this room was a group of people who had a similar feeling of the illusion of being. I do not remember how many people have been with me but I do not remember anyone who did not believe that the only way to get out of the illusion of reality is to destroy the reality. Just a few people had a different view but that was much earlier and actually most of them later found that destroying the “decorations” is the only way to solve our problem. They all came back to me and not to fight but to create! To live the optimal way by testing reality step by step, break by break, and cutting it piece by piece.
People were coming to me from the different places and some of them already came to the similar conclusion working in other directions. I remember two guys who have been spending their lives on finding an optimal way to cut the “Base of the universe”. They also were trying to understand what is going on with reality, just like me. Thus, they discovered that a background level, our physical world, is just one surface on a big crystal. They found that their work as physicists ultimately couldn’t explain other things in this world, other sides of this crystal. They decided to combine their efforts with others who have been doing similar work but on the different surfaces of the crystal of our life. That is how they found me. I helped them to find a way to explore their theoretical findings and, finally, that helped them to find a way to tear the skin from reality, a way out of our physical reality. They found how to do it and that was beautiful and painful for all us and for many others!
I do not know how that happened but apparently we did not count all forces and did not take in account the level of awareness of people staying close to us. Pain they had and pain they observed at that moment was too strong to continue their work. They disclosed our names, our goals, and our locations. Ignorant people who did not have a clear mind on what they want and where they want to go. Still, even now, when I found consistency of my own being, I believe that if we would continue this work, it would help to find a freedom for many people. Now it is only I.
What was before that, before I was trying to find a real world behind the “decorations”? Before that I was using my eyes trying to understand what is real and what is not. At that time, and I remember that very clear, I found that things that outside of me, things that other people like to talk about, they cannot be real. There were a few people, my friends, who understood me well and found themselves in the same obscure environment and with the same illusion. One of them was the best and he found himself as a great mirror for me, as well as I found myself as a good mirror for him. We thought about the same things and we complimented each other. We reflected each other extremely well and we have been enormously productive at that time. He was the first. The other people came later. He was the first of all of them but he was my last mirror.
What was before him? Before my last mirror were other mirrors. It was a woman-mirror who decided that she needs more light because my light is not enough for her and that light is just a poor reflection of old and almost forgotten sparks. She decided that she needs something else, another mirror that can reflect her better. She decided that she deserved it and that she knows what it is and she left.
There were my two little creatures that loved me and I loved them more than anything else, but I feel now that it was more like a return to them, return of their love. I was a mirror for them to reflect their own worlds that they just started to explore. I reflected their love to me as well and my reflection was as strong as their unlimited new-borne love to me. I was there at that time for them, while they are growing up, to provide them my mirror until they will develop their own strong mirrors they will live with.
Before that? Before that, there were many people and I was trying to explain them my ideas. Ambitious people who saw only themselves and I was so stupid to not recognize that. I was under impression of their power, their energy, and their blind ambitions to control this world. I did not see that these empty ambitious is the only thing they had and the only thing they saw in front of them. They had their mirrors too close to their eyes to see the real world and they enjoyed living in their illusion. I was not and at that time I already knew that I have to break that mirror. I remember, I wrote somewhere at that time: “If this world is just a mirror in front of your eyes, do you have other ways to live rather than break it?”
What was even before that? It was a woman I loved. It was not a first woman I loved and I did not think that she can be the last one but she actually was the last and she was the best mirror to me. We found right the way that we are two perfect mirrors that can reflect back and forward the same photon of love without any deflection. We both knew that this single photon is universal and perfectly matched to our unique system of two perfectly adjusted mirrors. We were afraid that we will stay in this closed system forever, system of just two mirrors and one photon of love, and will lose Everything else. We decided to not see each other to catch our lives. Now I know that there is no Everything else, but I am not sure about her. May be we still could stay in front of each other reflecting the same photon of love and may be it would not be too different from what I am doing now …
I do not know.
What was before that? Before there were many other things and other mirrors. Does it really matter now what was before? I can clearly remember that I always had a mirror in front of me and whatever I saw in my life I already knew that. I always knew everything like reality was a reflection of my own thoughts. I kind knew everything the way it is. I think I was born like that. I remember I had a feeling that I am everywhere since I was born but then, when I was very young, I found a tiny film between my eyes and the entire world, world that just a moment ago was an entire part of me. That film got thicker and turned into the mirror very fast and I had no other choices but just to live with this mirror, to live this life. I do not know where this mirror came from but it could be that we have been born together. It could be that we all have such mirror just not all of us recognize it.
But I had to come back. The only reason why you are reading this is because I am back. I do not know why I have to but I can’t stay here where I am. Similar thing happened to many others and I still do not understand the exact mechanism how they came back. Long time ago I thought that it was their decision to return, to help others, but now I know you are not responsible for such decisions. You are returning back because others need you and they are part of you and nothing you can do about it. I have to go back to help them because they all are part of me and I have to be here where I am and there, with them, there, where you are right now.
I have spent my life trying to destroy the mirror of illusion
But I am back to tell you that I am that mirror
I am back and I am here with you
In a front of your eyes.
NEXT U-STORY: ‘ИN’