Dialog before bedtime
Intensive play of three actors
Actors / Voices:
U – You – young ordinary voice
P – Pillow – soft and comfortable voice
S – Something else – dry, always changing, nervous voice
Darkness with unclear background noise that is becoming more and more similar to a noise of a soft snore. Snore is slowly changing to the cough and, then, to unclear murmuring.
Thin beam of light is pointing on the left side of the scene, on a big stone with a contour of sitting on it back to you man. Only his naked back can be distinguished in the darkness. Man now is sitting in a pose of embryo embracing his knees with both his hands. His head is apparently between his knees and he looks just like another stone on top the first one. He is slowly raising his head with a black hair. Everything else is covered with darkness around him and his stone. Then voices start to speak:
U – I cannot sleep in the dark. I cannot be completely alone in the dark! I need more rest and why it is so cold here?
Man tightly embraces himself with both hands.
P – That is your fear. It will disappear and you’ll see it very soon just do not be afraid of new things.
S – It is still dark and it is quite early but that is just a beginning of your day. Get up and get some exercise to wash out your drowsiness. Do it now and go ahead. It is your day!
Beam of light is getting wider and takes in its circle simple wooden table, chair, and some wooden sticks on the floor. You may see on the table a glass of milk. Man slowly moves his head and back to the right looking at table, still sitting on his stone.
U – I like it here! I am starting to understand … but I just saw infinity and … I want to stop it. I feel like I want to die. Die in infinity or die infinite! I actually do not know what exactly I want but in either way it feels like something big, something important, something terminal, … terminal in my life?
P – That is just a beginning. Terminal was your fear when you were scratching your eyes. You just got too much excitement of new and actually very nice day. Enjoy it!
S – But your day will end soon and you are going to that end from now. That will take time, your own time.
P – Wait, you said you want to die infinite? That was good! Even if you would be able to die infinite it will never be a moment but where else you can be alive if not in a moment? You will have that moment, your moment. Just stay that good!
Beam of light is getting wider and takes in its circle a few broken toys around table. Man is still sitting on his stone. Now you can see his face and body, his hands and his legs. He is looking to the right on broken toys.
U – I feel uncomfortable here with people around me especially with these who are similar to me, these who are similar in age and appearance. These who are younger or older seem closer, easier to deal with, but at the same time more distant. They all like foreign to me. Those who look just like me or in the same age, they are very uncomfortable to be with! It looks like they want me to stay with them. What should I do?
P – You still do not have too many close people. It could be that you will go through this and will learn how to stay still. It may also happen that everyone will become close to you. You will see it soon.
S – For now just go and say “Hello” to them that always helps. BTW, what do you think they want from you?
U – I think they need me to fight with them but I do not know why!
Beam of light suddenly getting wider. Now you see light almost on the whole scene. The whole scene becomes white and extremely bright. Then almost invisible net between you and scene (commonly used in theaters to make translucent wall) starts to reflect the light back to you. This net is separating you from the scene. Light on a background (behind the net) is going down and you can see mainly white partially translucent net with unclear contour of a man behind it.
U – I am confused. I … just do not know how to say… that. A strong mixture of pleasure, fear, excitement, feeling of obscurity, happiness, and urge to get something, and a strong desire to crush everything around and even to crash everything that just a short moment ago was me, but I feel that I am absolutely happy now and I want to jump as a crazy and stay alive forever!
P – That is predictable. Very soon you will not have too many things left but you will get the only one little thing, very small thing that will give you a big life but could you be happy with a small thing?
S – It can give him his big life if he can find his way through a small thing but he cannot! It is not his way! His thing is Eeeverrryttthing.
Light is still focusing on a net between you and scene. Everything behind the net including man and stone slowly became more darker and almost unclear since most of the light is focusing now only on a net. You still can barely see some contour of a man, and now he is standing on his stone straight.
U – I know what to do and how to do what I want, but I am confused now which direction to choose. I feel I can do pretty much everything!
P – You do not know where to go now?
U – I do not know yet, right, but I feel that I do not walk anymore, I feel like I am flying. I feel like I can be everywhere I just do not know where I have to be.
S – Do not fly too high. Falls are part of flying.
Part of the scene behind the net became darker and now everything behind the net is unclear. You can see only the white net-screen in a front of the scene. It is not as bright as it was before, it is rather tan-grey now and, then, it is getting darker and darker all way down to black. Now you can see nothing and only hear the voices.
U – That could be right, I am almost on the edge of my confidence now, there is nothing behind it. Only madness. Do you think this craziness is also me? I just saw it! That was the scariest thing I ever saw in my life! I saw that “Door” and something behind it, something that does not exit but it is there! I know if I go there, if I will open that door and will step inside … there are no way back from that space behind the door. Do you understand? There is nothing to step on in that room not with your legs not with your mind. There is no surface and there is no logic their. You cannot find any support there. You cannot even say that it was your step and that it was you who made that last step. You cannot say anything there, behind the door! I am staying right now so close to that door and cannot make even a small step in any direction. What’s hell is that?
P – You believe that you afraid of things that you do not know? If you will not step inside you will never find what is this. There is no fear outside of you anymore. Do whatever you can to get what you need. If that is the door you want to go, then go there! It will not kill you, but it may give something that you will not get by going any other way, and by the way, it sounds like that it is your door.
S – You will not be able to escape from your door, from your own gate. If you are staying in front of it for a while you may not even know where you are staying now. Just ask yourself – are you still in front of this door or already behind?
Four o’clock tea
Light behind a net is getting brighter and now it shows again the contours of stone, man and table. Man now is sitting in a pose of embryo embracing his knees with both hands right in between his stone and table. His shape reminds a stone that has almost the same size. You cannot identify clearly where is his head, hands, or legs, and he is just like another stone. On a table you can see a cap of tea and some cookies on a plate.
U – That was a long way! I went through the things that I cannot even explain but now everything is behind, in the past, and I found myself again. I am still here but when I came back, I found myself in emptiness. This emptiness is absolute! There is nothing here and, in fact, there is nothing there as well! No time, no matter, no people, no ideas, even me is something else now. I have no way to run out of here. I know now, that is my cage. That is here! Here where I woke up this morning. Everything else is unreal except this cage. Everything that I saw today does not exist except my cage that is the only real thing. I tolled myself that I have to try everything and I did, but now nothing else I can do. I know now who I am and I know where I am, and I know that my cage is in between of two of you whoever you are, and I know that there is no door out of this cage. Everything was completely empty outside of my cage but now it is also empty inside. You think that is it?
P – Emptiness is absolute and it is impossible to run out of it. Emptiness is everywhere and it is hiding behind any thing, even the smallest thing you may find, but you will learn how to live without noticing it. You will learn how to live without noticing many other things as well but they all come with emptiness. Just do not pay attention to it for now, and, then, you will see what to do.
S – Whatever you think about emptiness you will like to think about it. You cannot escape from emptiness. You have to see the difference to find what to do. You can stop to think about emptiness, just like P said. Yes in a matter of fact you can stop to think about it but, then, everything else will become empty for you. You need emptiness to know what is empty and what is not. It is up to you what you will choose – emptiness around you or emptiness inside. That is your choice, but remember you have to run with your decision, you passed four o’clock mark! And do not forget that “Something else” is me.
P – You’ll be fine. Now you know your borders, limits of your possibilities. That will help you to stay on your legs in your own range and do your own things. Do it, do it now! Now you have everything you need.
The same scene. The beam of light is getting narrow, focusing on a less than a half of the scene. In its circle you can see only table, chair, man and his stone. You may see an empty plate on the table. Man is sitting on his stone.
U – What is going on? Why it is getting so small around? Where all these people I used to go with? I have many things to do and I need them to help me with my work. Things that need to be done cannot be done alone. Where they are, why they all left?
P – Nobody cares about what you are doing anymore. They all have found their own things to do. Their days are passing out as well as your day. Don’t you see it? You have to run if you want to complete what you have! If nobody follows you, you have to do it on your own or find someone who will help you, but now you have to run fast!
S – You know everything now and you still have time to do your own things with no worry. Why you are still crying like a boy? Why do you need someone else to help you with the things that you have to do on your own? If you do your things well, then everyone will help you! Most of these who left you still do not know what to do. Do your things now, do them well and they all will come back and will help you. Just do it, you have not so much time left.
After supper fullness
U – That is done. Not only that, many things done. I feel like that makes sense. I know it doesn’t … I know it doesn’t matter … but it does make sense to me. I guess that is my satisfaction, but do I need it? Do I need anything else anymore? No. Just a short time ago I was afraid of many things. Now it is empty. It is empty inside and outside.
P – …
S – …
U – Empty? Is it what I am? Is it what I suppose to be afraid of? I do not think I do anymore.
A thin beam of light is pointing to the left side of the scene with a contour of sitting on a stone man. Now light beam is very narrow. Nothing else can be distinguished except man and his stone. Man is looking to the left.
U – I am afraid again, although there are no reasons for fear and my fear seems like has no sense. I actually cannot even identify the source of my fear. Do you know what is that? What will happen then, and why it is so cold here again?
Man tightly embraces himself with both hands and looks again like a stone on another bigger stone.
P – Do not worry, that is your nervousness and that has nothing to do with fear. You are at the place where fear has no reason and no sense. You had a long day and need a rest. You may feel anxious, you nervous, but you left a lot of things today, important things that will stay for long. Your fear now is your tiredness and that is telling you that you have to rest. It is the only thing you still have and there is nothing else that may cause you fears anymore. Now you are safe. You safe like you have never been safe during this day. Get some rest and we will see you again.
S – P is right you need some rest. You cannot do your things infinite. Just rest for a while, rest for a moment. You alive only in a moment and that is your moment now!
P – S is right that is your moment! Rest on me, rest in pillow. Cover him S.
In darkness you hear background noise similar to a soft snore. Snore is slowly changing into a noise reminding a rustle of old leafs on a road.
Light in the center.
On the net between you and scene a beam of light is projecting a black-and-white movie with a road in a late fall. It is cold. Old dry leafs in different stages of dying and some dirt on a road.
P & S are on a road and slowly walking unintentionally moving old leafs with their shoes. They are going out of you and you can see only their backs in long coats. Their contours remind two men-angels from Wim Wenders’ movie “Wings of Desire”. Well, the real title is “Der Himmel uber Berlin” that is easy to translate as a “Sky of the Berlin” but we will leave it up to Hollywood.
Two figures are moving slowly out of you.
Then, camera view is suddenly changing and now you see four big moving shoes of two men on a whole screen just in front of you and moving leafs around these shoes. Now they are moving right on you, shoes and leafs are on the whole screen. Four shoes are coming closer and closer and almost ready to step on you. Sound of rustling old leafs become extremely loud.
A new dry old voice:
- Are you still here?
- Can you help them to find who is next?
- I feel like I have to leave you now.
- You three have something to talk about.
- See you soon, may be even tomorrow!
Silences for about 10 seconds, then on a screen slowly fades in from top to the bottom as a wave the letters:
F E A R S
r n g e t
u e i p a
s m n i g
t i g t n
r e . i a
a s . t t
t . . i i
i . . o o
o . . n n
n . .
NEXT U-STORY: ‘Notælove’